So, a semi-break to Confessions of a Bed-Side Baptist... Just something that’s been weighing on my heart. But it’s still a confession nonetheless. 😂 It just won’t be lesson-themed.
Disclaimer: Please be very discerning if you feel “led” to be encouraging after reading this. This isn’t a time to disqualify how I’m feeling and, also, just a time I don’t want or need Christian folk or non-Christian folk being unsolicitedly optimistic. This is just something you chose to read. I’ll ignore you if you give a cliché comment. I’m one of very few people who has been intentional and who’s intimate with my choices in my life and relentlessly pursuing Jesus the way I do. Also, I don’t idolize marriage. I have more issues trying to not idolize my intellect than marriage. Just a blunt forewarning... Distinguish your flesh, your interjection and His Spirit.
Anyways...
Since I was younger, as I’m sure most little, young and older ladies could relate, I’ve wanted to be married for the sake of what I’d read in the Bible. I witnessed wedded couples in my home church and my god-mom’s church. Of course, the romantic comedy movies and Disney princess classics. I grew up watching The Cosby Show, Bewitched, Good Times and many other loving family TV shows. And I desired to have a family that reflected unity, legacy and love. I’ve always been an insightful individual and saw things most average children wouldn’t.
To be quite honest, I didn’t see many successful marriages in my family. My parents were not married. They still aren’t. Yes... I compared my parents to married ones at the time. My grandparents divorced. My god-mom was divorced. Two of my great-grandmothers were widowed and my other great-grandmother, I never saw. (I heard the stories but never saw it.) I saw family members settling for relationships and family dynamics without covenant. That was definitely not what I wanted. I’ll pass. Hard pass. Emphasis on ‘hard’ and ‘pass’.
But certain couples in my home church and god-mom’s church gave me this little thing called hope. *Narrator voice from The Grinch—Jim Carrey version* “Maybe. Just maybe.” Maybe one day I’ll get the blessing to experience this.
Hope... Four letters. Like many other words. But it’s so loaded.
I’m a word fanatic so let’s do a little bit of etymology and looking up the definition. Shall we?
According to Merriam-Webster, hope as a verb is:
Intransitive verb
(1) to cherish a desire with anticipation, to want something to happen or be true;
(2) archaic*: trust
Transitive verb
(1) to desire with expectation of obtainment or fulfillment
(2) to expect with confidence: trust
*Archaic means very old or old-fashioned and made a reference to the archaic temple in Corinth. (Interesting who something like Merriam-Webster mentions a real place and in the Bible it mentions it, too. Hmmm🤔... Let’s keep moving though.)
Hope as a noun:
(1) (a) desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment; also: expectation of fulfillment or success
(b) someone or something on which hopes are centered
(c) something desired or hoped for
(2) archaic: trust, reliance
There’s that trust word again. This time reliance is accompanying it.
According to the etymology of hope:
“Old English hopian "have the theological virtue of Hope; hope for (salvation, mercy), trust in (God's word)," also "to have trust, have confidence; assume confidently or trust" (that something is or will be so), a word of unknown origin. Not the usual Germanic term for this, but in use in North Sea Germanic languages (cognates: Old Frisian hopia, Middle Low German, Middle Dutch, Dutch hopen; Middle High German hoffen "to hope," which is borrowed from Low German). Some suggest a connection with hop (v.) on the notion of "leaping in expectation" [Klein].”
(Did you catch that?! Leaping in expectation. Wow!)
“Late Old English hopa "confidence in the future," especially "God or Christ as a basis for hope," from hope (v.). From c. 1200 as "expectation of something desired;" also "trust, confidence; wishful desire;" late 14c. as "thing hoped for," also "grounds or basis for hope." Personified since c. 1300.”
It honestly hasn’t been until the beginning of 2019 year hope has been slipping from my fingertips in the thoughts towards romance and marriage. So much to the fact, I may have been on a total of 4 dates up to this very day in the past 3 years.
Now, I listen to Heart of Dating podcast, sermons and read books about romance and marriage. But the legitimate possibility comes to mind... I may not be graced to marry. I may be called to remain single. Vulnerably speaking, that’s the heart-breaking part I don’t want to face but it just might be my future. It’s something I always hoped in but sometimes we don’t always get what we want...
See... I loath dating. I despise the process. I’m not the type of gal who is “let’s ride the wave.” No. What are your intentions, your vision and where is your relationship with Jesus? I’m not playing fiddle fiddle with anyone. If you want to pursue me, you need to complement my pursuit in Jesus. That’s a non-negotiable.
Now understand, I’ve come across single, eligible bachelors in the church often. Let’s just say my discernment is top-notch so they don’t stay in the potential pile for long. Then there are men who are half-way, easily tossed back and forth like waves of the sea kind of men. Yeah... they’re weak in their faith. I am not. That will not work. I won’t be like Moses’s wife every time you disobey the Most High. DON’T BE FOOLED! There are men in the church who fake their faith.
Or simply the men who think inviting all types of practices into their spirituality is wise. Listen... whatever floats your boat is fine with me. But I don’t volunteer myself to those who have free-range of demonic oppression. I won’t be anywhere near your dock to get into the boat with you. I’ll take a rain check Jonas. ☝🏼😌
Lately, there has been men from once upon a time just tip-toeing back around with their superb performance in lack of consistency and common courtesy. Some have improved. Others... I’m still praying for you. Or new males who are so infatuated with the idea of me that it makes me want to throw up.🤢
But I love romance! I truly do. It’s how I’m wired. Once you know me, and I mean truly know me, you know that I am very sweet, gentle and loving. Watching romantic movies is one of my many sports. I’ve only been in one long-term romantic relationship in college. Majority of all 4 years of my college experience. I’ve healed and learned a lot from that relationship. And I’m going on 4 years of being single.
With my very first blog post as a reference post (Moment of Rejection: Mirror Reflection), I thought the friend I liked would be a potential suitor once our friendship would be established but I was being Goofy in real life to give myself the inkling of false hope it would work out. HA! I’m a true comedian I am. Kevin Hart... watch out! Just kiddingggg.
So in the meantime, I have utterly zoned in on my relationship with Jesus and to be obedient to the Holy Spirit because hope in a future marriage isn’t there. I may make mention of “my future ARod” on my Instagram but I don’t truly believe it’ll happen.
And I’ve been having real blatant talks with Abba Father about the the dreams I’ve had. To me they aren’t funny nor do they make me laugh or smile when I wake up. I actually wake up crying from a real place of brokenness and void that the hope just isn’t there. I take the dreams for symbolism and not literal. I’ve learned to take those very moments to simply read scripture or play worship music and follow the promptings from there. I don’t know what else to do.
At one point, I used to be steadfast that my decision in celibacy would be to honor my future husband as a little corny beginning to our love story. “I preserved myself for you.” PAHA! Yeah, right.
In the past month, I’ve relinquished the desire to be married. I’m still going to be the hopeless romantic I am! Trust me! I am invested in other’s happy ending. I will be the biggest cheerleader for others. Maybe I should become like Hitch... Worth a shot🤷🏻♀️
In conclusion, I’m hoping that helped another person to know, you’re not alone if this has been a feeling or thought. It’s ok. Just let it be a reason (for Christians) you get closer to Jesus and (for non-Christians) practice more of what you may practice. And if you still have hope, keep it. ☺️
Until next time.
Lovingly,
Ebony M. Acton🌸
Comments