First, let’s designate a few seconds to pray for the healing of the families, friends and fans of the Bryants, the Altobellis, the Chesters, the Mausers and the Zobayans. Be intentional and careful about the words you use because God answers prayers differently than we expect. Let’s also just shoot up prayers for those who are not famous or known that have yet to heal or are still healing from a lost.
As always... stick with me.
For clarity, I wasn’t and haven’t ever been a fan of Kobe... or the Lakers. So I commend those who have been genuine fans of both. He was vicious on the court and gifted with his athletic skill but my heart will be with Melo! Even though he may never land a ring, I will always fangirl over Melo. And Melo looked up to Kobe, too. It goes hand in hand. That’s just a disclaimer to identify that I’m not a bandwagoner. However, I will pay respects about this tragedy which captured the attention of sports fans and people across the globe.
During my childhood, watching sports was a ritual from the men and boys on both sides of my family. Let’s just say I took to that tradition. I’m not a die hard follower of sports but I’m well-versed in all American sports (baseball, basketball and football) and others (volleyball, track, competitive cheerleading and soccer). Watching Kobe and Shaq on TV was a MUST. A dynamic duo who dominated with great chemistry and teamwork. I loved to watch them play. And I also loved to watch documentaries about sports player. I watched Kobe’s performance on and off the courts. I witnessed his character being stripped in tabloids and his legacy revitalized through prioritizing his family. But what always entranced me about Kobe was his branding. His work ethic. His craft. His mambanism. (I make up words.)
I vaguely remember the words spoken by Kobe in this interview in 2002 but his demeanor screamed, “I’m unstoppable.” And that concept of him was adopted by my young me and until today, I carry that mentality. I will go after what I want. I will be better. I will be great. I will make a difference. I will win. I will be unstoppable. Still wasn’t going to be a Kobe fan lol. But I loved how he branded himself outside of his father’s legacy. I applaud him for that.
I’ve went through a lot in my lifetime. It stresses me out thinking about it. I have people that I’ve been friends with for years and they’re learning about what I’ve experienced during our friendship because I want to give the impression that I’m unstoppable...even when I’m feeling extremely overwhelmed. During this world-wide moment of grief, I realized so much. I keep seeing posts that keep speaking about time being lost, reconciling, forgiveness, life is too short and many more. Granted, those posts may hold truth but simultaneously they‘ve been feeding unnecessary amount of pressure, guilt, shame, fear, worry, anxiety and, ultimately, deception of rekindling relations that were meant to remain dormant. A lot of it has to do with heart posture and holding onto bitterness. You can do as much as you want while someone is alive but a hard truth I had to accept this weekend is this:
You can never do enough for a lost because it’ll never equate to the immense amount of emotions of healing to someone’s permanent absence.
And allow me to explain... When I was 9, my mom had a severe health problem and had to sit me down to explain the conditional of her surgery “going wrong” that she’d want me to make sure that I take care of my infant brother. Mature and understanding, I was like, “Oh naw God! That can’t happen. I have dreams to fulfill. Can’t do that raising my baby brother. Please make sure my mom’s surgery is good and You’re with her.” I was a good child. Great grades. Respectful. Loved church. Danced. Read books for fun. Helped clean. Had a horrible temper. Didn’t listen at times. That conversation petrified me. I tried to act differently. I obeyed a little bit more but I knew behaving any different wouldn’t ever suffice to my mom’s absence. Thank God she survived this medical condition and I’m blessed to still have her.
A famous songwriter’s life was featured in a cinema called I Can Only Imagine. It concerned a boy being physically abused by his alcoholic father. Now, I wasn’t physically abused by my dad but I was emotionally neglected and verbally harassed due to his alcoholism. (By the way, this year marks his TENTH year of sobriety!) In the movie, the main character returned home to discover his father had a terminal illness and he stayed to reconcile with his dad. Leaving that movie, I refused to let my dad’s deathbed or on his way to die to be the reason I want to forgive him or reconcile with him. As I’ve been intentional to heal our relationship, between May 28-29, 2019, I almost lost my dad. I remember telling God, “No, no, no. I’m not ready or done building our bond. Please keep him, Jesus. I still need him!” My reconciling wasn’t going to be enough.
Something that my dad did (and found myself being very grateful for it) was his phone call. He called me within the same hour of the heart-wrenching news and we talked for a bit. He told me he loved me and I let him know where exactly I was in D.C. at the time. And again, that phone call wouldn’t have been enough if I lost my dad. You could call me selfish or ungrateful but I’m being transparent. I’ve lost family members who I loved so much and I wish I had did more but I’d fool myself thinking that if I did more and still lose them that I wouldn’t wish that I still did more because I would.
For two years, I’ve been intentional to love on my parents and allow Jesus to fix our bonds. After this weekend, seeing all of those posts of “life being too short”, I remember those near-death moments, especially with them, made me realize that performance, behavior, a text, a hug, therapy and anything else positive would not ever be enough for me when they aren’t here. So I encourage you to relax.
For some people, you may have to love on people on more. For some people, you may have to set reminders to call people. For some people, you may have to release your pride to make mends. It’s very conditional for the individual. For some people, you may need to reconcile, change, forgive or whatever the case may be but even after you do those things... losing them will make you appreciate the notion but their absence will dominate and it’ll have you thinking about limitless hypothetical situations. So try not to worry yourself too much. Life will take its course.
You will also disappoint people. You will upset them. People will still not like you. That one time you made a mistake will be mentioned—dead or alive. Tabloids will talk about his affair, temper tantrums on the court and anything else deemed negative. Just think of the documentaries of Aaron Hernandez, Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson, Prince, Elvis Presley, Princes Diane and Aaliyah. You could wish you had more time all you want... It’ll help you find more peace but it will never be enough when that person goes forever.
In the journey of accepting all of you, learn to be IN Peace and not ‘at peace’ with inevitable events of life. You will metaphorically and literally lose some folks who you care about. A lost grants you to gain more. Quote by the Black Mamba himself, “Everything negative - pressure, challenges - is all an opportunity for me to rise.” See to it that this negative moment is an opportunity for you rise. There are things that are designated and assigned to YOU and YOUR given gifts.
I leave with you this question, “What occasion is calling you to rise?” Until next time.
Lovingly,
Ebony M. Acton🌸
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